Tag: self-care

  • When what you create surprises you …

    "... there are seasons
    in all our lives 
    learning in any mistake 
    feed more wood
    to a failing fire 
    if the flame still falters
    that’s your sign  
    to start over ..."

    For the writers among you, I wonder do you ever set out to write a piece, only to find that what emerges is entirely different to what you had envisaged? This is not only true of writers, but of all creatives, I’m sure.  This happens to me occasionally, but most often, the resulting poem is pretty much what I thought I’d write.  There are rare times when what surfaces takes me by surprise.  That’s what happened with this week’s poem.  It just came out one early morning, as I set out to write something quite different.  

    Of course, when I think about it, I can identify the steps leading to this poem’s creation.  I think we’re all influenced by things that we experience, big and small, on a daily basis.  It might be a chance meeting on a bus; something you listen to purposefully, or quite by accident.  A seemingly innocuous event might just grab you in ways you can’t explain, such as observing something in the street as you’re sat in a traffic jam.  (Maybe that’s just me?).  Here’s the thing: the closer the attention you pay to the world, the more it will inspire you.   

    The stars were aligned for this poem to show up, even though I didn’t know it was what I needed to write.  For starters, I met my mum for lunch, which is something we do occasionally.  Naturally, siblings were mentioned during our chat.  I also had coffee with a friend who has some challenges in her own family (who doesn’t?).   That got me thinking about how we all carefully navigate our way through family relationships.  And, as always, I’ve been binging on my usual weekly diet of podcasts and radio programmes.  It all seeps in at some level, along with the national news, the weather and the price of petrol.  You name it, it’s all in the mix.  Life happens and our responses are reflected in all we do, like it or not. 

    Lone female stood in front of an ocean at sunrise

    I’ve  recently listened to a fantastic interview on Sam Baker’s podcast, The Shift, with the brilliant Abi Morgan, discussing her book, This is not a pity memoire.  (A back-episode from 2022).  I was so moved by her story, that it’s been added to my ever growing list of books to read.  The advice, never dim your light, comes from her.  She, in turn, quotes Nora Ephron’s advice to be the hero not the victim of your own story.  I love that different women’s voices have turned up in my poem, serving as beacons of light when I might otherwise feel bereft of inspiration closer to home.  

    Truth is, I’d dearly love to be the person who both cherishes her siblings and is valued in return.  I’d love to shop with; eat, gossip and reminisce with; swap clothes, books and music with siblings.  But that’s not my story.  Truth is, very few of us live the perfect life, if any.  Does perfect even exist?  It doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate the positive and nurturing relationships I do have.  I am a proud daughter, cousin, aunt, and wife to a select few, grateful for the privilege.  I am friend to many more.  

    Recently, I also met an ex-work colleague for lunch.  We talked away the afternoon, and it was a sheer delight to observe how she’s thriving in a new role, in a different organisation.  She’s one of my soul sisters; I’m lucky to have more than one.  

    Not everyone has a sibling, but I hope everyone can call at least one person friend.  Whatever relationships you have, I hope you can cherish at least one or two. Be the hero in your lives and not the victim please! 

    This is my 40th post since the beginning of my blog, fiwynnewrites. It feels like the right time to take a short break as I enter into my 60th birthday month. I’m going to be travelling around Shetland, looking forward to slowing down, appreciating nature and giving my body and soul batteries an opportunity to recharge. I will return in June with more poems and prose x

    siblingsDownload

    Remember it’s all about connection! Please do comment.

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  • When walking away is the best you can do …

    "... saying yes to you 
    was a no to me 
    your love an anchor
    keeping me down 
    when I might otherwise 
    be free ..."

    This is not an easy blog to write but it touches on something I know affects a lot of people.  It took me a long time to realise that there’s no such thing as normal and that, for most of us, disfunction is the norm when it comes to family relationships.  I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve met over the years, both personally and professionally, who are estranged from one or more family member(s).  It can be for any number of reasons.  It’s often complicated and painful, and it brings with it a whole plethora of emotions.  

    I’m not about to go into specifics about the family member from whom I’m estranged.  That’s not necessary here, and I wouldn’t put you through the sorry details.  Instead, I want to use this poem, written about my decision to walk away, as a way to connect with similar experiences and feelings you might have had.  I know a lot of people find it extremely difficult.  Some will feel deeply saddened, others guilty or cruel.  It feels like an incredibly cold thing to do, to shut someone out.  But it may also be necessary.  It is never a decision taken lightly and, yes, it comes at a price. But, for me anyway, it’s a price worth paying. 

    We all have people in our lives that we might term difficult.  And yet, we will largely tolerate their idiosyncrasies because we love them.  We love all their positive traits and we can forgive the less attractive parts of their personalities that we find hard to live with.  Most of us will have various categories of friends: from casual acquaintances to very best friends and everything in between.  Not all the people who come into our lives as friends are friends for life.  There’s a famous quote: people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime (attributed to numerous people, so I’m not sure who can actually claim it).   And that’s okay isn’t it?  It may feel uncomfortable when you lose touch with someone you thought of as a friend, or you may be devastated when they cut you off.  Yet you realise in time that they weren’t meant to be around for the long haul. 

    But family is a whole other ball game isn’t it?  There is this unwritten rule that you can’t walk away from family.  Another famous saying goes, friends are the family you chose for yourself, meaning of course, that you have no choice when it’s family.  But sometimes, you have to make a choice.  In fact, we make choices about family all the time: where do you spend Christmas Day, for example.  My parents divorced when I was a child, and it often felt like I had to choose between them.  That feeling continued long into adulthood.  

    Some of our decisions are subconscious.  As a middle child, instinct drew me to my younger sibling, when three always felt like a crowd.  I have friends who are parts of big families and they tell me it’s inevitable to fall out with siblings when you have so many.  I seemed to manage it even though I only had one of each! 

    walking walking alone on a beach with her back to the camera

    Learning to navigate family relationships as an adult takes you to another level.  As a child, you didn’t always have a choice, but as an adult you do.  I said yes when I meant no to a family member more times than I care to remember.  I tolerated the intolerable.  Until finally, after one drama too many, I cracked.  I reached saturation point and did the only thing I felt I could do to save myself.  I walked away and never looked back.  

    The person you owe the most to is yourself and, if saying yes to yourself means saying no to someone else, then what’s stopping you?    

    yes to meDownload