When it feels good to say no …

"I am finally learning
to love myself
and trust the voice within ..."

I may be stereotyping here, but I suspect if you are reading this blog, you’re a person who likes to spend time alone.  Let’s just say, it comes with the territory.  In my experience anyway, most people who are drawn to poetry are more introverted but, that said, I think there’s a bit of introvert and extrovert in all of us.  Life is not binary but multi-faceted, and so are we.  

I’m definitely more in the introvert camp.  I need to have quiet, alone time, just as much as I need food, water and sleep.  I’m not much fun when deprived of these life essentials.  Alone time is not the same as being lonely.  I’m fortunate in that I’ve not experienced much loneliness in life although I appreciate that, for some, it may be debilitating and life-shortening.  Alone time, by contrast, is life-enhancing.

I’m extremely lucky to have found a partner who, like me, needs time alone.  From the outset of our relationship, we’ve always been able to chose to spend time on our own without judgement. Other people may not be so understanding or accommodating, which must be difficult.  As I’ve grown older, I’ve felt more comfortable with saying that I need quiet time, but it wasn’t always the case.  

I recently turned down an invitation from a friend to attend a concert at short notice; I was so proud of myself for doing so.  Of course, it was lovely that she thought of me and extended the invitation and, on another day, I might have said yes.  But I just knew, at that particular time, I needed to stay home far more than I needed to go out to a concert, involving an hour’s drive each way and a late night.  Years ago, I would have said yes no matter how much I didn’t want to go.  I’ve been a people-pleaser all my life; of course I would have said yes.  I would’ve thought myself rude and ungrateful to have done otherwise.

But as I’ve just said, life is not binary.  I’ve discovered that I can be honest and say no, without being unkind or ungrateful.  Saying no isn’t a life sentence, it just means not now, not this time.  It’s not forever.  Saying no to someone else can mean saying yes to yourself.   Saying yes to self-care and self-fulfilment.  I wrote this week’s poem over thirty years ago, when I was in my late-twenties.  Wow that’s long time! I was grappling then with my need to both belong in the world and yet feel at peace with myself.  It’s all about balance which is easier said than done, isn’t it?    

It’s a cliché, but I’m reminded of the instructions always given on a plane, to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. It’s obvious but always sounds counterintuitive; most of us would want to help someone else, especially if it’s your child.  Yet it’s such an important lesson: we can’t help if we are helpless.  We can’t show up in the world and reach our full potential, if we don’t take the time and effort to invest in ourselves, nurturing our skills and gifts.  

I wonder how you make time for yourself in your busy life?  How do you balance time spent with others with time for you?  If you have children, or other caring responsibilities, any time to yourself will be a challenge but I hope you find at least some.  Self-care is not selfish, but self-fulfilling and, trust me, everyone will be happier, if you are.