Tag: choices

When it feels good to say no …
```
"I am finally learning
to love myself
and trust the voice within ..."
```
I may be stereotyping here, but I suspect if you are reading this blog, you’re a person who likes to spend time alone. Let’s just say, it comes with the territory. In my experience anyway, most people who are drawn to poetry are more introverted but, that said, I think there’s a bit of introvert and extrovert in all of us. Life is not binary but multi-faceted, and so are we.

I’m definitely more in the introvert camp. I need to have quiet, alone time, just as much as I need food, water and sleep. I’m not much fun when deprived of these life essentials. Alone time is not the same as being lonely. I’m fortunate in that I’ve not experienced much loneliness in life although I appreciate that, for some, it may be debilitating and life-shortening. Alone time, by contrast, is life-enhancing.

I’m extremely lucky to have found a partner who, like me, needs time alone. From the outset of our relationship, we’ve always been able to chose to spend time on our own without judgement. Other people may not be so understanding or accommodating, which must be difficult. As I’ve grown older, I’ve felt more comfortable with saying that I need quiet time, but it wasn’t always the case.

I recently turned down an invitation from a friend to attend a concert at short notice; I was so proud of myself for doing so. Of course, it was lovely that she thought of me and extended the invitation and, on another day, I might have said yes. But I just knew, at that particular time, I needed to stay home far more than I needed to go out to a concert, involving an hour’s drive each way and a late night. Years ago, I would have said yes no matter how much I didn’t want to go. I’ve been a people-pleaser all my life; of course I would have said yes. I would’ve thought myself rude and ungrateful to have done otherwise.

But as I’ve just said, life is not binary. I’ve discovered that I can be honest and say no, without being unkind or ungrateful. Saying no isn’t a life sentence, it just means not now, not this time. It’s not forever. Saying no to someone else can mean saying yes to yourself. Saying yes to self-care and self-fulfilment. I wrote this week’s poem over thirty years ago, when I was in my late-twenties. Wow that’s long time! I was grappling then with my need to both belong in the world and yet feel at peace with myself. It’s all about balance which is easier said than done, isn’t it?

It’s a cliché, but I’m reminded of the instructions always given on a plane, to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others with theirs. It’s obvious but always sounds counterintuitive; most of us would want to help someone else, especially if it’s your child. Yet it’s such an important lesson: we can’t help if we are helpless. We can’t show up in the world and reach our full potential, if we don’t take the time and effort to invest in ourselves, nurturing our skills and gifts.

I wonder how you make time for yourself in your busy life? How do you balance time spent with others with time for you? If you have children, or other caring responsibilities, any time to yourself will be a challenge but I hope you find at least some. Self-care is not selfish, but self-fulfilling and, trust me, everyone will be happier, if you are.

afternoons to myself Download
16/09/2026
Why I celebrate an anniversary …
```
"... they say life is a journey 
of peaks and troughs
and countless crossroads
the certain choices
we all must make
when least informed ..."
```
This week I’m celebrating my wedding anniversary, which feels like an appropriate time to share this poem, written in 2013. I’m glad to say, that I’m still happy to have found someone whose stitch matched my own (read the poem to understand this reference!).

Life is made up of endless choices, some perhaps more significant than others. Truth is, we don’t always know how impactive a choice might be until much later. Who knew really, what subjects to choose at school, when the time came? Who knew what they wanted to do in life when first applying for jobs? I certainly didn’t! The good news is, that you can change direction and choose a different path. These days, it’s the norm. People don’t tend to join an organisation and stay all their working life anymore.

But when it comes to relationships, most of us do make what we hope will be a life-long choice. Two women I knew in London once caused much upset in their respective families when they got together as a couple in the late 80’s. The upset wasn’t due to the fact they were a same-sex couple, which you might have assumed (homophobia was much more prevalent then), but it was the fact that they committed to only stay together as long as they were happy to do so. Their families felt affronted that they didn’t make a life-long commitment to each other. They reasoned that they didn’t want to feel bound by a promise they may not be able to keep.

I could absolutely see their point. At that time in my life, I honestly didn’t think I’d ever want to get married. I came from divorced parents, and had seen plenty of other couples split up. I myself had been in a long term relationship of 5 years, and just assumed, I think, I would marry eventually. But it was me who ended it. And for a long time after that, I didn’t feel I could trust my own feelings. I’d lost confidence in my judgement.

Indeed, when I first met the man I did marry, neither of us took it terribly seriously. It was just a bit of fun; never intended to last. But we fell in love and within 6 months were cohabiting. I still didn’t think of marriage, telling myself it was just a bit of paper. I remembered my two friends, who stayed together because they wanted to be together. That was good enough for me. And yet, the longer I stayed with my partner, the more I understood that healthy relationships demand effort. Sometimes the choice to stay together can feel tough. There’s no room for complacency if you want to stay happy and fulfilled. It’s hard work!

My views on marriage evolved. Marriage is a private but also a public contract. A relationship between two people is like a pebble thrown into a lake. It sends out ripples that touch every other person connected to the couple. Everyone is invested to varying degrees. I chose to say yes to marriage in the end because it felt right to make a public as well as a private promise. I wanted those I loved to witness my commitment to the man I loved most dearly.

I wonder about the women who knitted ganseys for their men. How much love went into every stitch; how much hope that they would never have to identify a drowned man by the stitches they had made. Love is such a joy to both give and receive. I genuinely will be celebrating the anniversary of the day I said, “I do”, and I hope I will be able to say the same for years to come.

the edge of heaven Download
09/09/2026
When what you create surprises you …
```
"... there are seasons
in all our lives 
learning in any mistake 
feed more wood
to a failing fire 
if the flame still falters
that’s your sign  
to start over ..."
```
For the writers among you, I wonder do you ever set out to write a piece, only to find that what emerges is entirely different to what you had envisaged? This is not only true of writers, but of all creatives, I’m sure. This happens to me occasionally, but most often, the resulting poem is pretty much what I thought I’d write. There are rare times when what surfaces takes me by surprise. That’s what happened with this week’s poem. It just came out one early morning, as I set out to write something quite different.

Of course, when I think about it, I can identify the steps leading to this poem’s creation. I think we’re all influenced by things that we experience, big and small, on a daily basis. It might be a chance meeting on a bus; something you listen to purposefully, or quite by accident. A seemingly innocuous event might just grab you in ways you can’t explain, such as observing something in the street as you’re sat in a traffic jam. (Maybe that’s just me?). Here’s the thing: the closer the attention you pay to the world, the more it will inspire you.

The stars were aligned for this poem to show up, even though I didn’t know it was what I needed to write. For starters, I met my mum for lunch, which is something we do occasionally. Naturally, siblings were mentioned during our chat. I also had coffee with a friend who has some challenges in her own family (who doesn’t?). That got me thinking about how we all carefully navigate our way through family relationships. And, as always, I’ve been binging on my usual weekly diet of podcasts and radio programmes. It all seeps in at some level, along with the national news, the weather and the price of petrol. You name it, it’s all in the mix. Life happens and our responses are reflected in all we do, like it or not.

I’ve recently listened to a fantastic interview on Sam Baker’s podcast, The Shift, with the brilliant Abi Morgan, discussing her book, This is not a pity memoire. (A back-episode from 2022). I was so moved by her story, that it’s been added to my ever growing list of books to read. The advice, never dim your light, comes from her. She, in turn, quotes Nora Ephron’s advice to be the hero not the victim of your own story. I love that different women’s voices have turned up in my poem, serving as beacons of light when I might otherwise feel bereft of inspiration closer to home.

Truth is, I’d dearly love to be the person who both cherishes her siblings and is valued in return. I’d love to shop with; eat, gossip and reminisce with; swap clothes, books and music with siblings. But that’s not my story. Truth is, very few of us live the perfect life, if any. Does perfect even exist? It doesn’t mean I can’t celebrate the positive and nurturing relationships I do have. I am a proud daughter, cousin, aunt, and wife to a select few, grateful for the privilege. I am friend to many more.

Recently, I also met an ex-work colleague for lunch. We talked away the afternoon, and it was a sheer delight to observe how she’s thriving in a new role, in a different organisation. She’s one of my soul sisters; I’m lucky to have more than one.

Not everyone has a sibling, but I hope everyone can call at least one person friend. Whatever relationships you have, I hope you can cherish at least one or two. Be the hero in your lives and not the victim please!

This is my 40th post since the beginning of my blog, fiwynnewrites. It feels like the right time to take a short break as I enter into my 60th birthday month. I’m going to be travelling around Shetland, looking forward to slowing down, appreciating nature and giving my body and soul batteries an opportunity to recharge. I will return in June with more poems and prose x

siblings Download
29/04/2026
When walking away is the best you can do …
```
"... saying yes to you 
was a no to me 
your love an anchor
keeping me down 
when I might otherwise 
be free ..."
```
This is not an easy blog to write but it touches on something I know affects a lot of people. It took me a long time to realise that there’s no such thing as normal and that, for most of us, disfunction is the norm when it comes to family relationships. I’ve lost count of how many people I’ve met over the years, both personally and professionally, who are estranged from one or more family member(s). It can be for any number of reasons. It’s often complicated and painful, and it brings with it a whole plethora of emotions.

I’m not about to go into specifics about the family member from whom I’m estranged. That’s not necessary here, and I wouldn’t put you through the sorry details. Instead, I want to use this poem, written about my decision to walk away, as a way to connect with similar experiences and feelings you might have had. I know a lot of people find it extremely difficult. Some will feel deeply saddened, others guilty or cruel. It feels like an incredibly cold thing to do, to shut someone out. But it may also be necessary. It is never a decision taken lightly and, yes, it comes at a price. But, for me anyway, it’s a price worth paying.

We all have people in our lives that we might term difficult. And yet, we will largely tolerate their idiosyncrasies because we love them. We love all their positive traits and we can forgive the less attractive parts of their personalities that we find hard to live with. Most of us will have various categories of friends: from casual acquaintances to very best friends and everything in between. Not all the people who come into our lives as friends are friends for life. There’s a famous quote: people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime (attributed to numerous people, so I’m not sure who can actually claim it). And that’s okay isn’t it? It may feel uncomfortable when you lose touch with someone you thought of as a friend, or you may be devastated when they cut you off. Yet you realise in time that they weren’t meant to be around for the long haul.

But family is a whole other ball game isn’t it? There is this unwritten rule that you can’t walk away from family. Another famous saying goes, friends are the family you chose for yourself, meaning of course, that you have no choice when it’s family. But sometimes, you have to make a choice. In fact, we make choices about family all the time: where do you spend Christmas Day, for example. My parents divorced when I was a child, and it often felt like I had to choose between them. That feeling continued long into adulthood.

Some of our decisions are subconscious. As a middle child, instinct drew me to my younger sibling, when three always felt like a crowd. I have friends who are parts of big families and they tell me it’s inevitable to fall out with siblings when you have so many. I seemed to manage it even though I only had one of each!

Learning to navigate family relationships as an adult takes you to another level. As a child, you didn’t always have a choice, but as an adult you do. I said yes when I meant no to a family member more times than I care to remember. I tolerated the intolerable. Until finally, after one drama too many, I cracked. I reached saturation point and did the only thing I felt I could do to save myself. I walked away and never looked back.

The person you owe the most to is yourself and, if saying yes to yourself means saying no to someone else, then what’s stopping you?

yes to me Download
18/03/2026
Who, what and where is your inner tiger?
```
"... in kitchens 
throughout the land 
women were in one camp
or the other 
to leave her children 
or not to leave
to be true to herself 
or not be true 
to choose 
or not to choose ..."
```
We’ve just celebrated International Women’s Day, or at least I have. Do you celebrate this annually? Why wouldn’t you is my question. I’m happy to own the label of feminist and will welcome any opportunity to celebrate women; to make more space for women at any table; and to do whatever I can to support other women be they in front, behind, or beside me. And don’t get me wrong, I’m no man-hater. I am happy to support men on their journeys too if and when I can. As a daughter, wife, aunt, cousin, and friend, I’m proud to acknowledge that there are some very fine men among us.

I’ve been reading the fabulous collection of non-fiction by the late Hilary Mantel, A Memoir of My Former Self. One piece in particular has stayed with me, which recounted her unhappy experience of living in Saudi Arabia in the 1980’s (Last Morning in Al Hamra, 1987). I feel sure that the stifled conditions under which women lived then has improved somewhat since those times, but probably not all that much. For obvious reasons, the middle east has been on my mind a lot just recently. In many other countries, such as Iran, Iraq and Syria, the lives women lead are very much dictated by men in power, and to my western eye, appear much smaller than they should be. I’d be the first to admit that I’ve no authority on which to speak about this at all, other than my instinct; I accept of course that I can’t begin to know what their lives are like.

One woman’s life in the UK entered the national conversation in 1995 and I recount her story in this week’s poem. Alison Hargreaves, was a professional climber who, that year, had become the first ever woman to climb Everest without the aid of a sherpa or oxygen. It was a remarkable achievement. Three months later, she sadly died as she descended the summit of K2, where five other climbers also lost their lives. She was also a wife and mother to two young children. Everyone seemed to have an opinion about whether she should have been climbing at all. Many argued that she was first and foremost a mother; it was irresponsible of her to risk her life and deny her children their mother, particularly at such a young age. Two other fatalities on that trip were also parents, but they were male and there were no such conversations about them as fathers. I remember at the time feeling incensed that people would question her right as a woman to make her own choices; I recall many heated discussions with friends and family at the time.

I was lucky to grow up in a household where I was never made to feel that being a girl was a barrier to anything. I could do and be whatever I chose, provided I worked hard enough. I went to an all girls’ secondary school, where it felt normal to assume that we could achieve not as well as the boys, because there were no boys against whom to compare, but in our own right. Such a solid foundation stood me in good stead when I later entered a male-dominated working environment.

It feels all wrong somehow to have to even think about women’s equality because it should be a given. But we do need to think about it and keep talking, celebrating and honouring. Alison Hargreaves’ story has stayed with me, and when invited to write a poem on the theme of Women in History for the York Literature Festival in 2009, it was Alison’s story I wanted to tell. When interviewed about her decision to climb professionally and put her life in danger, she responded that it was better to live one day as a tiger than a thousand as a sheep. I like to think we all have our inner tiger and I work hard to nurture mine. How about you?

the tiger Download
11/03/2026