Category: Personal

Reflections about my life.

How anxiety can be both a blessing and a curse …
```
"... be kind to yourself and others 
listen to your voice
and know that
others' expectations of you
will never surpass your own 
no one else can fill 
the space you fill
anxiety has been 
and remains part of you
but so too joy ..."
```
This is not an easy poem to share or reflect on, but came at a time when I was feeling particularly anxious. These times fluctuate and, like most people, I can go for days, weeks, months, when everything appears to be going well, and I feel confident and capable. Most people I worked with would be surprised to hear me say that I often felt anxious about work: mostly about my workload and my ability to juggle it. But I also had doubts about my ability to meet expectations, to be good enough, and to make a positive difference.

People talk about imposter syndrome, which in the old days, was akin to having an inferiority complex. It doesn’t matter what you call it, I think a lot of people feel it at some time or another, and it often follows them, like a shadow, most of their lives. I know I’ve suffered from it most of my life, but that’s only one source of anxiety and there are many others.

I don’t come across as an anxious person. Most people would say that I present as confident, authoritative even. I’m one of those people that looks, on the surface, to be calm like a swan, but below the surface, I’m pedalling like crazy (which swans also do, I believe!). I’ll overthink things and take it all terribly seriously. I need to lighten up and I do try, honestly I do. I know full well that almost all the stuff I worry about never happens, and if the worse does happen, it invariably works out; all that worry was wasted effort.

People joke about therapy and how the counsellor will inevitably take you back to your childhood. It all stems from there right? I didn’t have a miserable childhood by any stretch of the imagination but it wasn’t idyllic either. Was anyone’s? My parents divorced in the 1970’s, which was unusual then. I spent years insisting that it didn’t affect me but, of course, it did.

So much of our personality is set in those early years, and they can significantly shape how life turns out. But it isn’t the whole story. I’m a massive believer in the fact that each of us can shape and shift our lives to fit better with who and what we want to be. I genuinely believe that. It takes work, but it’s a worthwhile investment because who wants to spend their lives blaming their childhood for everything that goes wrong? Not me, that’s for sure.

I haven’t eliminated anxiety from my life, far from it. I tell people that if I didn’t have something to worry about, then I’d invent something. I’m part joking, but there is an element of hard truth in every joke isn’t there? I have a tendency to worry about things I can’t control and/or predict, especially at night. Being conscious of it is half the battle; acknowledging that, yes, childhood hang ups do loiter, but I have effective strategies to combat them.

All our lives are a balancing act, don’t you think? Feeling anxious can sometimes be debilitating, but in other ways it makes me appreciate the joy I experience in my life. Learning to recognise and overcome anxieties can also be incredibly rewarding and I can look back on many a triumph with quiet pride. Balance is all important and, if you experience anxiety, then I sincerely hope you also know joy in your life.

notes to my younger self Download
03/12/2025
Why bad weather can be a blessing in disguise …
```
"... the day offers up 
whatever it has 
your only choice
is to take or leave it 
be here 
be present 
who knows what gifts 
the day may bring ..."
```
Who remembers the comment made by Princess Diana in the renowned interview with Martin Bashir, when she stated that there were three people in her marriage? It was broadcast 35 years ago this month, and it’s a comment that’s become something of a private joke between me and my husband. I’ve said for years that there are three in our marriage: my husband, his camera and me.

During our recent trip to Iceland, the in-joke between us was that there were three on the trip: the weather, my husband and me. Without doubt, weather featured heavily throughout the three months of our travels. There were several occasions when, due to poor conditions, we had to change our plans. We spent days hunkered down in various campsites, waiting for a break in the weather. Heavy rain and then snow resulted in closed roads, even the wind got in on the act, closing the only route east, which naturally, is where we were heading.

There was nothing for it but to simply wait it out. Don’t get me wrong, we both had plenty of things to keep us occupied. I wrote, I crocheted, I even practiced yoga in the shower block, whilst my husband worked on his photographs. Even so, it felt a little bit like “dead time”, which got me thinking about all the times when I’ve been “in limbo”. Does that ring a bell for anyone else, or is it just me?

There are all kinds of situations in which I’ve felt almost stuck in time, such as when waiting for a big life event like a wedding or a house move. I ached for the moment when the thing (whatever it was) would happen. On other occasions, I’ve wanted time to go backwards, such as when I sat at my father’s bedside during his final days. I knew what was unfolding, and I would’ve given anything to wind the clock back. I feel sure we’ll all have times we can recount when we’ve felt stuck. You hear horror stories about people waiting in A&E for days on end. Lives are put on hold, whilst someone stays with and supports a loved one waiting for treatment. We often forget that life can be unpredictable, and plan ahead regardless. People track the days leading up to a much anticipated holiday (“x many sleeps!”) and, dare I say it, many are already counting down the days until Christmas.

The point I’m raising in this week’s poem is that, whilst ever we are fixed on whatever it is we’re waiting for, wishing time to go forward or back, we’re not focused on the present. How much do we miss, I wonder, because we’re too busy looking to the past or the future?

Sometimes, unexpected events, can wake us up to what’s happening right now. Being forced to stop provides breathing space; the perfect opportunity to review where you are and make different choices if you need to. Alternatively, it can simply help you appreciate what you have. When holed up during a bad storm, I felt immensely grateful for the safe haven that was the camper van, most especially the heating system!

On those days when we weren’t travelling due to bad weather, I truly appreciated the opportunity just to sit and think, welcome in silence and see where it took me. You never do know what opportunities may come up when you allow a day to unfold without expectation. Having penned this week’s poem in the van one blustery afternoon, I decided to take a short walk and grab some fresh air. Within minutes of setting out, a double rainbow appeared in front of me. It was, for me, the perfect example of being ready for whatever the day presented; it truly did feel like a gift.

How about you? When was the last time you were truly present in the moment and ready to receive whatever gift came your way?

waiting time Download
26/11/2025
Why we all need beacons by which to steer our course …
```
"... there’s comfort to be found 
in familiarity 
tempting to stay 
closer than you should 
to what you’ve always known 
rather than venture 
beyond ..."
```
At the beginning of our long trip to the Faroe Islands and Iceland, I mentioned to a fellow camper from the UK, that we would be away for 3 months. Her immediate reaction was, “Oh, you’re brave!”. I brushed off her comment as somewhat risk adverse, standing a little taller as I replied that it would be an “adventure”.

My husband and I had discussed the duration of the trip in some detail, opting to go for the maximum period allowed (3 months). This was, in part, to give us time to truly explore without rushing. But, I’ll be honest, it was also to justify to expense of the ferry fare. May as well make the most of it, we thought, as we are highly unlikely to do it again.

I’ve thought often about that fellow camper during our trip: she was onto something! I underestimated just how challenging the trip would be in countless ways. I’ve never travelled for such an extended period before, in a country that feels very different to my own. I’ve found it harder than expected but, equally, the challenges I’ve faced have made me stronger.

In my head I can still see a poster on a wall in my classroom at school, showing a picture of a ship in harbour. The words read, “A ship in harbour is safe, but that’s not what ships were built for”. It inspired me then and still does. If you think about all the things that might go wrong in life, you’d never do anything would you? It’s important to have dreams and to be brave enough to take the first step into the unknown. It can be scary but also exciting. You need to plan to some degree, but be prepared for the unexpected, because things won’t always go your way.

It helps, I think, to have tools at your disposal when things don’t work out as you’d hoped. I’m a big believer in gut instinct. I can’t explain it, but I just know that whenever I’ve failed to listen to my instinct, that’s when things have gone horribly wrong. Instinct, however, can also let you down. I love the lighthouse analogy; we’ve seen a lot of lighthouses in Iceland, enough to stretch my imagination still further. Your instinct might be telling you, this is the way, but then there’s a warning light foretelling danger. What would you do? I’d be risk adverse and navigate away from danger, of course I would.

It’s all about balance at the end of the day. The irony of a lighthouse, is that the beam of light may bring comfort when you feel anxious, but it’s main job is to warn of danger. It’s not always easy to distinguish between the two is it? There’ve been times in my life when I’ve struggled to differentiate between what’s right for me and what isn’t. I’ve felt all at sea, which is the title of this week’s poem.

Some of the challenges we’ve faced in Iceland led us to seriously consider cutting the trip short, but we didn’t. True, I would most likely have felt more secure on familiar ground, but I’m certain I would’ve regretted any decision to give up. This blog will go out on our last full day in Iceland. We’ll be catching the ferry heading back to Denmark, as originally planned, the next day. We stayed the course!

Going back to that schoolroom poster, I wasn’t made to play it safe but to live my life to the full, and that’s what I’m going to do. I want to live brave.

all at sea Download
05/11/2025
How one small thing can prompt big changes …
```
"... when the world feels  
overwhelming 
the news headlines  
robbing the world of joy 
day after endless day 
the only thing  
you can stop is you ..."
```
I spent a day and a half recently on a ferry, which felt like suspended time. You’re forced to slow down and adapt to a new way of being, which is perhaps no bad thing. I tried practising some yoga on the deck, which proved impossible. How foolish of me to imagine that I could counter-balance the shifting sea. Plan B was to simply sit and watch the waves, enjoy the moment and let myself be still. I had nowhere else I needed to be; indeed nowhere else I could be. It was a lesson in letting go of my need to somehow manage every minute of my day.

It’s so easy to be sucked into a way of life that we wouldn’t chose for ourselves if we had the choice. How many of us have pondered how different our lives might have been if it wasn’t for the choices we’d made? Perhaps that’s the thing to focus on: choice. Sometimes we are so far down one path that we think we can’t deviate or turn back, but we can! We may chose not to, but I think we almost always have a choice.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be the big things. I’m not suggesting we all make drastic changes, like quitting jobs, filing for divorce and moving to a commune. Can you imagine the ensuing chaos if we all did that? It’s amazing what a huge difference small changes can make. Just think back to those marginal gains leading to Tour de France wins for the Sky Cycling Team. And let’s not forget Dr Michael Moseley’s attempts to persuade us, as a nation, to do “just one thing” to improve our health.

Who would’ve thought an introduction to weaving would prompt a shift in my perspective? But it did and this poem is the result. Perhaps it was the need to concentrate on doing something physical with my hands. Or maybe it was simply the fact that I was doing something different: I wasn’t looking at my phone; listening to the news; or busy trying to do several things at once. We have a tendency to think that we need to take drastic measures to effect change in our lives. I was speaking to a friend recently who told me that she wants to change her lifestyle. Each morning she feels enthused, only to lose momentum later in the day. I suggested that she make small steps first and follow the rule of three. I love this rule! You focus on just three things over a three month period, rather than try to tackle everything in one go. It feels more manageable somehow.

Trying something new is a great way to re-boot. Sometimes that can be purposeful; other times it is gifted to you by circumstances beyond your control. Like the ferry crossing I mentioned earlier. No matter how much I might’ve wanted to arrive quicker, I simply had to adapt to a slower pace of life for the duration of the crossing. Maybe today is your day to try something new? Perhaps you’ll discover new depths you didn’t know you had! I feel sure that, like the ocean, we all have hidden treasures yet to be discovered.

weaving Download
08/10/2025
When relationships runs their course …
```
"... it’s not easy to let go 
when relationships 
run their course 
memories 
sometimes surface 
rising waves 
lapping your shore ..."
```
I’m an introvert through and through and, in my world, small is beautiful. I don’t have a huge number of friends and never have. I like to keep things simple. I remember people telling me at various stages of my life … school, university, and workplace … “you will make friends here that will stay friends for life”. I came away from each significant milestone with maybe one good friend from that same period. That was enough for me.

That said, I’m fiercely loyal and take my friendships very seriously. I invest a lot of myself in my friends and my girlfriends, in particular, are precious to me.

It’s true though, isn’t it, that some people are in your life, perhaps intensely, for a short period and others for the long haul. It isn’t always easy to see that at the time. At least, I don’t think so.

I’ve met many older women over the years who have taken me under their wing and advised me never to rely on anyone, but to stand on my own two feet. Wise words indeed. But in my mind, they were talking about intimate partners. Surely friendships were different? They are different, but can be equally difficult, if not more so.

I’ve found it harder in many ways to let go of friends than partners. Despite the fact that women have long celebrated their girlfriends, I think we still lack the vocabulary to talk about love and loss in friendship.

There’s always been a part of me yearning for connection with others, despite my leanings towards introspection. I thrived as a manager and leader at work because I loved supporting and mentoring others, but only as long as I could return home every night to recharge my batteries in the quiet of my study.

I’m a contradiction of sorts, I suppose. I want to feel like I belong with others, and yet at the same time, I want to opt out when it suits me. Is that so unusual I wonder? I was deeply hurt on two occasions when close friends chose to walk away from me. One came back to me, for which I was eternally grateful and another tried, but I closed the door on her because it felt like the right thing to do. I’ve felt guilty about that, but I’ve trusted my instinct and stuck with it. I still think it’s the right choice. Equally, I’ve been the one ending friendships, because it felt to me they had run their course.

As I’ve grown older I think back on the advice those amazing women gave me when I was, in truth, incredibly naive and thus vulnerable. In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Most of us are blessed to be able to share our lives with people we love, including friends; I know I am, and hope never to take them for granted.

Equally, I hope I stay true to myself, knowing when to steer my own course. See, I told you I was full of contradictions!

Skeins of geese Download
17/09/2025