Category: Personal

Reflections about my life.

  • Vulnerability is a strength not a weakness …

    "... weakness
    is our backlight
    revealing the cracks
    by which we navigate

    I don’t want
    to live a lie
    my fault lines
    are battle scars
    I am proud to show ..."

    I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s noticed the massive culture shift in recent decades towards mental health.  It’s no longer a taboo subject.  In fact, I know a lot of people will say, “it’s all gone too far”, but I disagree.  

    It’s widely accepted these days that mental health is just as important as physical health.  But it wasn’t always that way.  I remember how my grandmother’s generation would talk in hushed tones about other women (always women!) who had “trouble with their nerves”.  I had no idea what they meant but I just knew, from their whispering, that it was something to hide, and about which never to speak. 

    I think, as a society, we regarded people with mental health issues as a tribe apart from the rest of us, which is ridiculous. We all have mental health which can fluctuate constantly; all the more reason I think to be aware of it and to tend to it in ourselves and others. 

    Whilst it has certainly been easier for my generation, some prejudice remains deep rooted.  I’ve been told countless times by work colleagues, managers, friends and family members, not to show weakness because others will exploit it.  I know they meant well and were undoubtedly looking out for me, but it never felt right.  

    stained glass window

    It’s taken me years to accept myself for who I am, worts and all.  I reached a point in life, probably around my 50’s, when something shifted in me.  I cared less about what other people thought and more about how I saw myself.  Instead of saying and doing what I thought others expected of me, I started to challenge the norm.  A lot of the time, I realised that my assumptions were unfounded.  People didn’t necessarily have those expectations at all.  Now, that was a revelation!  

    I gained more confidence to just be myself; choosing to embrace my authenticity as a superpower.   As I result, I genuinely believe I’ve gained wide respect, but not from everyone.  People have told me not to be so honest; called me out for oversharing on social media; sought to rein me in.  They said it was from a place of love, but I felt suffocated rather than protected.  Perhaps their intention and my response were both valid. 

    In the last decade, vulnerability has become quite the in-thing.  Brené Brown and her now growing catalogue of books has taken the world by storm.  Amen to that!  But she wasn’t the first by a long stretch.  I have long been a fan of Leonard Cohen and it was he, that largely misunderstood genius of a poet, who wrote in his song Ring Those Bells, “there are cracks in everything, that’s how the light gets in”.  I love that idea and will take it further … it’s two way.  The light shines in and emanates back out to the world.  The more we let in, the greater we shine.

    BacklightDownload

  • Why distance gives you perspective …

    "... it shouldn’t take 
    new places 
    to bring me 
    back to myself 
    I shouldn’t always              
    be lost 
    in order 
    to be found ..."

    By the time you read this, I will be in another country, embarking on a long trip that will take me across the North Sea and the Atlantic in a camper van crammed with provisions from home.  I will be excited and full of anticipation for the adventure that awaits. But as I sit here in my study, listening to the dawn chorus, my head is still full of lists of last-minute jobs, whilst internally I try to calm the butterflies in my stomach.  

    There’s something about the lead up to a holiday that always feels a bit fraught. Packing the camper van invariably takes twice as long as expected and, without fail, something happens that seems to put the whole thing in jeopardy.  A family member might fall ill, we discover a mechanical fault or, suddenly, we can’t find the passports.  

    When it comes to travel, I think folk are in one of two camps: there are those (like me) who start to pack well in advance and those (like you perhaps?) who leave it to the last minute. There’s no right or wrong is there? 

    I already know that by the time I embark that boat, I’ll be calm, all the panic behind me.  I do love to travel!  I was 19 when I first travelled abroad and will never forget the smell of Mediterranean air and the rush of heat as I emerged from the plane.  I met people on that trip that have remained friends.  I saw and experienced things that shaped me as a young woman, helping me navigate life at university and beyond. 

    Of course, life gets in the way and before you know it, your world becomes a whole lot bigger and more complicated.  In a life that is increasingly busy and stressful, holidays become a haven.  That has certainly been my experience.  Over the years, as I gained more responsibility both personally and professionally, my summer break was extended from two weeks to three. Simply put, it took most of the first week to unwind and relax.  Does that sound crazy or, dare I say it, familiar?  

    When life gets too hectic and you need to slow it down, it helps to travel.  Of course, in theory, there’s no reason why you can’t take time out at home.  No reason at all right?  Except there’s that thing you’ve been meaning to do that, when you stop, you can’t ignore.  Is it the garden that needs sorting, or a room you’ve been meaning to decorate?  It’s so tempting to fill so-called time off with long-neglected jobs. 

    But travel is so much more than just a distraction: it’s an opportunity to see life from a different perspective; broaden your horizons; meet new people; spend time enjoying the company of loved ones. And if you’ve been a bit lost, you might just find yourself again; I know I have.

    I wrote this poem, not at the beginning of a holiday, but as it was ending.  I had spent three amazing weeks in Norway and the poem came to me as I was packing my bag to return home.  I’d arrived exhausted, and was returning refreshed.  This was my typical pattern, to work like a demon and use a holiday to recover.  It’s a strategy many adopt.  Just this week, a friend told me that she’s “clinging on at work”, desperate for the break she has booked at the end of the month.  

    This will be my first overseas trip since retirement in the spring; it doesn’t have to be the remedy that so many other trips have been.  I’m excited to explore how it will help shape the next chapter of my life. 

    I hope you’ve had the opportunity to take a holiday this summer; if not, my wish for you is that you can create some genuine time off for yourself in the midst of what I bet is a busy life. 

    RemedyDownload

  • Be ready for life’s opportunities!

    "... here I am
    listening at last
    on the brink 
    of something big
    ready to embrace 
    the future self 
    that I dreamed I’d be ..."

    I wrote this poem in springtime; a season where many of us might feel drawn to reviewing life choices, inspired by nature to wake up and take note.  In busy lives, it’s all too easy to be sucked into what can feel like an endless cycle of work, eat, sleep, with perhaps a little time for yourself if you’re lucky.  That’s why pressing the pause button, no matter how short-lived, is important.  If we didn’t stop once in a while to admire a view, watch children play, listen to a favourite song – whatever it is that works for you – our days would simply be all about doing and never about just being.  

    I’ve lost count of how many times I might have missed something profound, amazing or simply beautiful, if I hadn’t take the time to notice.  It might be fleeting, such as witnessing an act of kindness in the street, or a stunning sunset you would’ve missed if you hadn’t looked up at just that moment.  This happens a lot to me whilst out in my camper van and a reason why I’m always reluctant to draw the blinds.  Check out the photograph below to see the sunrise we almost missed in the highlands of Scotland earlier this year. 

    There are lots of things that offer up opportunities to review our lives if we are alive to the possibilities.  I know I’m not always receptive because I’m too busy thinking about the next thing on my to-do-list.  Half the time, I am on auto-pilot, doing stuff without really thinking.  I’m not present in the moment and I need a nudge to bring me back to now.  

    We don’t always have a choice about what brings us back to the present do we?  Lives can be turned upside down in an instant due to serious illness, redundancy or a marriage breakup.  Other times we do choose and we can prepare … such as a house move, a new job or retirement.  

    But all these things are big things and it isn’t necessarily the big things that bring the deepest insights.  I find it’s the small often ignored things that suddenly come into focus and help me shift my perspective. 

    It was an online session with a group of women that prompted this poem.  In my final months before retirement, it was an opportunity to think about how I could choose to be, free from work commitments that took so much of my time and energy.  I knew all too well that I’d missed out on so many opportunities over the years, choosing instead to preserve my energy for work. It was a strategy that helped, but came at a personal cost.    

    Of course, now I’m retired there are lots of other things filling my days and I’m fast becoming one of those people who declares, “I don’t know how I ever found the time to work!”.  But what I am purposefully doing is making time in my days to pause, no matter how briefly.

    This blog is an invitation to you to take time out to read a poem; let it take you to places, both within yourself, and beyond to the wider world.  That’s all – just try it! Welcome to to the present moment.  What invitations call to you? 

    invitationDownload