Category: Personal

Reflections about my life.

How one small thing can prompt big changes …
```
"... when the world feels  
overwhelming 
the news headlines  
robbing the world of joy 
day after endless day 
the only thing  
you can stop is you ..."
```
I spent a day and a half recently on a ferry, which felt like suspended time. You’re forced to slow down and adapt to a new way of being, which is perhaps no bad thing. I tried practising some yoga on the deck, which proved impossible. How foolish of me to imagine that I could counter-balance the shifting sea. Plan B was to simply sit and watch the waves, enjoy the moment and let myself be still. I had nowhere else I needed to be; indeed nowhere else I could be. It was a lesson in letting go of my need to somehow manage every minute of my day.

It’s so easy to be sucked into a way of life that we wouldn’t chose for ourselves if we had the choice. How many of us have pondered how different our lives might have been if it wasn’t for the choices we’d made? Perhaps that’s the thing to focus on: choice. Sometimes we are so far down one path that we think we can’t deviate or turn back, but we can! We may chose not to, but I think we almost always have a choice.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be the big things. I’m not suggesting we all make drastic changes, like quitting jobs, filing for divorce and moving to a commune. Can you imagine the ensuing chaos if we all did that? It’s amazing what a huge difference small changes can make. Just think back to those marginal gains leading to Tour de France wins for the Sky Cycling Team. And let’s not forget Dr Michael Moseley’s attempts to persuade us, as a nation, to do “just one thing” to improve our health.

Who would’ve thought an introduction to weaving would prompt a shift in my perspective? But it did and this poem is the result. Perhaps it was the need to concentrate on doing something physical with my hands. Or maybe it was simply the fact that I was doing something different: I wasn’t looking at my phone; listening to the news; or busy trying to do several things at once. We have a tendency to think that we need to take drastic measures to effect change in our lives. I was speaking to a friend recently who told me that she wants to change her lifestyle. Each morning she feels enthused, only to lose momentum later in the day. I suggested that she make small steps first and follow the rule of three. I love this rule! You focus on just three things over a three month period, rather than try to tackle everything in one go. It feels more manageable somehow.

Trying something new is a great way to re-boot. Sometimes that can be purposeful; other times it is gifted to you by circumstances beyond your control. Like the ferry crossing I mentioned earlier. No matter how much I might’ve wanted to arrive quicker, I simply had to adapt to a slower pace of life for the duration of the crossing. Maybe today is your day to try something new? Perhaps you’ll discover new depths you didn’t know you had! I feel sure that, like the ocean, we all have hidden treasures yet to be discovered.

weaving Download
08/10/2025
When relationships runs their course …
```
"... it’s not easy to let go 
when relationships 
run their course 
memories 
sometimes surface 
rising waves 
lapping your shore ..."
```
I’m an introvert through and through and, in my world, small is beautiful. I don’t have a huge number of friends and never have. I like to keep things simple. I remember people telling me at various stages of my life … school, university, and workplace … “you will make friends here that will stay friends for life”. I came away from each significant milestone with maybe one good friend from that same period. That was enough for me.

That said, I’m fiercely loyal and take my friendships very seriously. I invest a lot of myself in my friends and my girlfriends, in particular, are precious to me.

It’s true though, isn’t it, that some people are in your life, perhaps intensely, for a short period and others for the long haul. It isn’t always easy to see that at the time. At least, I don’t think so.

I’ve met many older women over the years who have taken me under their wing and advised me never to rely on anyone, but to stand on my own two feet. Wise words indeed. But in my mind, they were talking about intimate partners. Surely friendships were different? They are different, but can be equally difficult, if not more so.

I’ve found it harder in many ways to let go of friends than partners. Despite the fact that women have long celebrated their girlfriends, I think we still lack the vocabulary to talk about love and loss in friendship.

There’s always been a part of me yearning for connection with others, despite my leanings towards introspection. I thrived as a manager and leader at work because I loved supporting and mentoring others, but only as long as I could return home every night to recharge my batteries in the quiet of my study.

I’m a contradiction of sorts, I suppose. I want to feel like I belong with others, and yet at the same time, I want to opt out when it suits me. Is that so unusual I wonder? I was deeply hurt on two occasions when close friends chose to walk away from me. One came back to me, for which I was eternally grateful and another tried, but I closed the door on her because it felt like the right thing to do. I’ve felt guilty about that, but I’ve trusted my instinct and stuck with it. I still think it’s the right choice. Equally, I’ve been the one ending friendships, because it felt to me they had run their course.

As I’ve grown older I think back on the advice those amazing women gave me when I was, in truth, incredibly naive and thus vulnerable. In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Most of us are blessed to be able to share our lives with people we love, including friends; I know I am, and hope never to take them for granted.

Equally, I hope I stay true to myself, knowing when to steer my own course. See, I told you I was full of contradictions!

Skeins of geese Download
17/09/2025
Vulnerability is a strength not a weakness …
```
"... weakness
is our backlight
revealing the cracks
by which we navigate

I don’t want
to live a lie
my fault lines
are battle scars
I am proud to show ..."
```
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s noticed the massive culture shift in recent decades towards mental health. It’s no longer a taboo subject. In fact, I know a lot of people will say, “it’s all gone too far”, but I disagree.

It’s widely accepted these days that mental health is just as important as physical health. But it wasn’t always that way. I remember how my grandmother’s generation would talk in hushed tones about other women (always women!) who had “trouble with their nerves”. I had no idea what they meant but I just knew, from their whispering, that it was something to hide, and about which never to speak.

I think, as a society, we regarded people with mental health issues as a tribe apart from the rest of us, which is ridiculous. We all have mental health which can fluctuate constantly; all the more reason I think to be aware of it and to tend to it in ourselves and others.

Whilst it has certainly been easier for my generation, some prejudice remains deep rooted. I’ve been told countless times by work colleagues, managers, friends and family members, not to show weakness because others will exploit it. I know they meant well and were undoubtedly looking out for me, but it never felt right.

It’s taken me years to accept myself for who I am, worts and all. I reached a point in life, probably around my 50’s, when something shifted in me. I cared less about what other people thought and more about how I saw myself. Instead of saying and doing what I thought others expected of me, I started to challenge the norm. A lot of the time, I realised that my assumptions were unfounded. People didn’t necessarily have those expectations at all. Now, that was a revelation!

I gained more confidence to just be myself; choosing to embrace my authenticity as a superpower. As I result, I genuinely believe I’ve gained wide respect, but not from everyone. People have told me not to be so honest; called me out for oversharing on social media; sought to rein me in. They said it was from a place of love, but I felt suffocated rather than protected. Perhaps their intention and my response were both valid.

In the last decade, vulnerability has become quite the in-thing. Brené Brown and her now growing catalogue of books has taken the world by storm. Amen to that! But she wasn’t the first by a long stretch. I have long been a fan of Leonard Cohen and it was he, that largely misunderstood genius of a poet, who wrote in his song Ring Those Bells, “there are cracks in everything, that’s how the light gets in”. I love that idea and will take it further … it’s two way. The light shines in and emanates back out to the world. The more we let in, the greater we shine.

Backlight Download
27/08/2025