Category: Personal

Reflections about my life.

When relationships runs their course …
```
"... it’s not easy to let go 
when relationships 
run their course 
memories 
sometimes surface 
rising waves 
lapping your shore ..."
```
I’m an introvert through and through and, in my world, small is beautiful. I don’t have a huge number of friends and never have. I like to keep things simple. I remember people telling me at various stages of my life … school, university, and workplace … “you will make friends here that will stay friends for life”. I came away from each significant milestone with maybe one good friend from that same period. That was enough for me.

That said, I’m fiercely loyal and take my friendships very seriously. I invest a lot of myself in my friends and my girlfriends, in particular, are precious to me.

It’s true though, isn’t it, that some people are in your life, perhaps intensely, for a short period and others for the long haul. It isn’t always easy to see that at the time. At least, I don’t think so.

I’ve met many older women over the years who have taken me under their wing and advised me never to rely on anyone, but to stand on my own two feet. Wise words indeed. But in my mind, they were talking about intimate partners. Surely friendships were different? They are different, but can be equally difficult, if not more so.

I’ve found it harder in many ways to let go of friends than partners. Despite the fact that women have long celebrated their girlfriends, I think we still lack the vocabulary to talk about love and loss in friendship.

There’s always been a part of me yearning for connection with others, despite my leanings towards introspection. I thrived as a manager and leader at work because I loved supporting and mentoring others, but only as long as I could return home every night to recharge my batteries in the quiet of my study.

I’m a contradiction of sorts, I suppose. I want to feel like I belong with others, and yet at the same time, I want to opt out when it suits me. Is that so unusual I wonder? I was deeply hurt on two occasions when close friends chose to walk away from me. One came back to me, for which I was eternally grateful and another tried, but I closed the door on her because it felt like the right thing to do. I’ve felt guilty about that, but I’ve trusted my instinct and stuck with it. I still think it’s the right choice. Equally, I’ve been the one ending friendships, because it felt to me they had run their course.

As I’ve grown older I think back on the advice those amazing women gave me when I was, in truth, incredibly naive and thus vulnerable. In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Most of us are blessed to be able to share our lives with people we love, including friends; I know I am, and hope never to take them for granted.

Equally, I hope I stay true to myself, knowing when to steer my own course. See, I told you I was full of contradictions!

Skeins of geese Download
17/09/2025
Vulnerability is a strength not a weakness …
```
"... weakness
is our backlight
revealing the cracks
by which we navigate

I don’t want
to live a lie
my fault lines
are battle scars
I am proud to show ..."
```
I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s noticed the massive culture shift in recent decades towards mental health. It’s no longer a taboo subject. In fact, I know a lot of people will say, “it’s all gone too far”, but I disagree.

It’s widely accepted these days that mental health is just as important as physical health. But it wasn’t always that way. I remember how my grandmother’s generation would talk in hushed tones about other women (always women!) who had “trouble with their nerves”. I had no idea what they meant but I just knew, from their whispering, that it was something to hide, and about which never to speak.

I think, as a society, we regarded people with mental health issues as a tribe apart from the rest of us, which is ridiculous. We all have mental health which can fluctuate constantly; all the more reason I think to be aware of it and to tend to it in ourselves and others.

Whilst it has certainly been easier for my generation, some prejudice remains deep rooted. I’ve been told countless times by work colleagues, managers, friends and family members, not to show weakness because others will exploit it. I know they meant well and were undoubtedly looking out for me, but it never felt right.

It’s taken me years to accept myself for who I am, worts and all. I reached a point in life, probably around my 50’s, when something shifted in me. I cared less about what other people thought and more about how I saw myself. Instead of saying and doing what I thought others expected of me, I started to challenge the norm. A lot of the time, I realised that my assumptions were unfounded. People didn’t necessarily have those expectations at all. Now, that was a revelation!

I gained more confidence to just be myself; choosing to embrace my authenticity as a superpower. As I result, I genuinely believe I’ve gained wide respect, but not from everyone. People have told me not to be so honest; called me out for oversharing on social media; sought to rein me in. They said it was from a place of love, but I felt suffocated rather than protected. Perhaps their intention and my response were both valid.

In the last decade, vulnerability has become quite the in-thing. Brené Brown and her now growing catalogue of books has taken the world by storm. Amen to that! But she wasn’t the first by a long stretch. I have long been a fan of Leonard Cohen and it was he, that largely misunderstood genius of a poet, who wrote in his song Ring Those Bells, “there are cracks in everything, that’s how the light gets in”. I love that idea and will take it further … it’s two way. The light shines in and emanates back out to the world. The more we let in, the greater we shine.

Backlight Download
27/08/2025
Why distance gives you perspective …
```
"... it shouldn’t take 
new places 
to bring me 
back to myself 
I shouldn’t always              
be lost 
in order 
to be found ..."
```
By the time you read this, I will be in another country, embarking on a long trip that will take me across the North Sea and the Atlantic in a camper van crammed with provisions from home. I will be excited and full of anticipation for the adventure that awaits. But as I sit here in my study, listening to the dawn chorus, my head is still full of lists of last-minute jobs, whilst internally I try to calm the butterflies in my stomach.

There’s something about the lead up to a holiday that always feels a bit fraught. Packing the camper van invariably takes twice as long as expected and, without fail, something happens that seems to put the whole thing in jeopardy. A family member might fall ill, we discover a mechanical fault or, suddenly, we can’t find the passports.

When it comes to travel, I think folk are in one of two camps: there are those (like me) who start to pack well in advance and those (like you perhaps?) who leave it to the last minute. There’s no right or wrong is there?

I already know that by the time I embark that boat, I’ll be calm, all the panic behind me. I do love to travel! I was 19 when I first travelled abroad and will never forget the smell of Mediterranean air and the rush of heat as I emerged from the plane. I met people on that trip that have remained friends. I saw and experienced things that shaped me as a young woman, helping me navigate life at university and beyond.

Of course, life gets in the way and before you know it, your world becomes a whole lot bigger and more complicated. In a life that is increasingly busy and stressful, holidays become a haven. That has certainly been my experience. Over the years, as I gained more responsibility both personally and professionally, my summer break was extended from two weeks to three. Simply put, it took most of the first week to unwind and relax. Does that sound crazy or, dare I say it, familiar?

When life gets too hectic and you need to slow it down, it helps to travel. Of course, in theory, there’s no reason why you can’t take time out at home. No reason at all right? Except there’s that thing you’ve been meaning to do that, when you stop, you can’t ignore. Is it the garden that needs sorting, or a room you’ve been meaning to decorate? It’s so tempting to fill so-called time off with long-neglected jobs.

But travel is so much more than just a distraction: it’s an opportunity to see life from a different perspective; broaden your horizons; meet new people; spend time enjoying the company of loved ones. And if you’ve been a bit lost, you might just find yourself again; I know I have.

I wrote this poem, not at the beginning of a holiday, but as it was ending. I had spent three amazing weeks in Norway and the poem came to me as I was packing my bag to return home. I’d arrived exhausted, and was returning refreshed. This was my typical pattern, to work like a demon and use a holiday to recover. It’s a strategy many adopt. Just this week, a friend told me that she’s “clinging on at work”, desperate for the break she has booked at the end of the month.

This will be my first overseas trip since retirement in the spring; it doesn’t have to be the remedy that so many other trips have been. I’m excited to explore how it will help shape the next chapter of my life.

I hope you’ve had the opportunity to take a holiday this summer; if not, my wish for you is that you can create some genuine time off for yourself in the midst of what I bet is a busy life.

Remedy Download
20/08/2025