Tag: friendship

Why silence creates connection …
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"... after weeks of quiet 
the world suddenly 
sounds loud 
instinct would have me 
block it out 
but I’m working on 
tuning back in 
which I know I must ..."
```
Years ago I completed The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron and it totally changed the way I think about creativity. In fact, I’ve done it twice, once with a friend and later again on my own. Perhaps you’ve heard of it and possibly completed it yourself? I expect that everyone who does it will take from it something unique to them; equally there will undoubtedly be plenty of shared revelations too. Turns out that if you dedicate time in your day to focus on your creativity, then it will come. Who knew? Before I took up The Artist’s Way, I used to think that inspiration would find me but that’s not how it works. Not for most people anyhow. You have to work at it, give it time and space, and welcome it in.

I recently listened to an interview with Jackie Kay on Radio 4’s This Cultural Life, where she basically said the same thing. She recounted that writing is her best friend because it was always there for her, as long as she turned up. She also quoted Picasso who apparently said, “Inspiration will come but it’s got to find you working”.

I gave a copy of The Artist’s Way to one of my work colleagues last year as she was struggling to find her voice and I thought it might help. When looking to order the book, I saw that Julia Cameron had written a new book called The Listening Path, and I bought a copy for myself, thinking I’d give it a go. Like The Artist’s Way, it’s a guided course over a number of weeks and the focus is on listening. It’s been sitting on a shelf ever since, but now feels like the right time to pick it up. I reasoned that it might help me focus as I adapt to life back in the UK. I think it’s a good shout because soundscapes feel very alive to me just now. Perhaps it’s to be expected after weeks of relative quiet, living in a camper van, feeling small in the midst of huge landscapes.

I’ll admit that I didn’t expect the adjustment to life back in the UK to be quite so difficult. I didn’t think I’d have to work at it. I just assumed that I’d slip seamlessly back into my routines, like riding a bike as the saying goes. But instead, I’ve found everything so loud, fast paced and, frankly, somewhat uncomfortable. It’s tempting to block it out, and retreat into my own little world. But through The Listening Path, I was invited to consider that when you block unwelcome noise, you become disconnected . It’s only when you welcome in sounds that you’re connected and in tune with your environment. This makes sense: how can I be alive to the moment if I’ve closed the door on it?

As a result, I’ve really tried to tune in to what is going on around me, which is how I came to write this week’s poem. It hasn’t always been easy, and the evening we recently spent having dinner with our best friends, proved a real test for me. I simply couldn’t keep up with the conversation and the temptation was to give up. But I didn’t; I persevered. We stayed overnight, as we always do due to the distance between our two houses, and the following morning it was such a delight to sit in their living room and purposefully tune into the sounds emerging from the kitchen. It reminded me that all of life is precious. It’s hard to beat the experience of sharing home-cooked food around a table with people you love. Yet, all the work that goes into preparing a meal and the cleaning up afterwards, is a necessary part of the same story isn’t it? Finally, I knew I was glad to be home, re-connected to my life, ready to tune in, listen and be inspired.

I’d encourage you to focus on the sounds you can hear and how you respond, creativity may emerge if and when you work at it.

soundscape Download
10/12/2025
How life is never the same following bereavement, but still, there is life …
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"... tonight in my kitchen 
as summer rain finally fell 
I listened to your playlist 
sang my heart out 
feet tapping 
hips swaying 
embracing the joy of life 
thankful for what we had 
and for all that is yet to be ..."
```
I expect that everyone reading this will have been impacted by the loss of a loved one. It’s a funny thing, bereavement, you never know how it will affect you and each time is different. The circumstances will be unique for both the person who has died and for you who lives on. Experiencing bereavement as a young person will be very different to how you approach it as you get older. And, of course, your relationship with the person will shape your response to both the process of dying and their ultimate death.

You may lose someone suddenly and the shock of it can rock you to the core. You’ll probably regret all the things you never had chance to say; the things you planned to do together that never happened; the questions you always meant to ask but never found the right time or place. I’ve lost count of how many people have said to me, over the years, to remember to tell people that you love them and to say the hard things before it’s too late. It’s not easy advice to follow.

Then there are the anticipated losses: loved ones that have a terminal diagnosis. You foolishly think you’ll be prepared and you brace yourself for the worse. But no matter how much you think you’re ready to say goodbye, you won’t be. Even when you know that letting go is the best thing for them, it’s still hard. You grieve whilst they are dying and then you grieve again when death comes.

In my experience, you’ll be guided by them. When my dad was given a diagnosis of less than 6 months to live, he was very matter of fact about it, which meant I had to be as well. Loving a person means you respect their wishes, no matter how much it goes against your gut instinct.

I’ve always believed that the best way to honour the dead, is to live your life to the full. That’s what they would want for you, I’m sure. That’s how I’ve tried to approach every bereavement I’ve experienced and it does help, particularly when you go through tough times. It’s the best prompt there is to make the most of every day you have.

My best friend died from a rare cancer that she was determined to fight. Even when she went into the hospice for what we all knew were her last days, she was sure she was there for respite only. She died when she was just 49 and it felt utterly tragic. I didn’t think life would ever be the same and, true, in some ways it isn’t. There’s a hole in my life that no one else can fill. But lots of life carried on regardless, as it must. We did have the opportunity to say the things we wanted to say, and I’ll always be grateful for that. I’ll never forget the wisdom she bestowed, which has guided my days without her.

There are so many times I wish I could talk to her, but can’t. There have been rare occasions, since she died, when I’ve felt her presence so keenly and even heard her voice. At times that has brought me comfort, other times it’s given me a kick up the backside; always it makes me grateful for what we had.

I wrote this poem some years after Karen died. It was my way of telling her I was okay. We’d listened to a lot of music together, danced and sang our way through many a favourite track. For a long time, I couldn’t listen to the music we shared; the fact that I was able to enjoy music again reminded me that healing does come, life does go on and you do recover parts of yourself that you feared you’d lost. If recovery feels far from you right now, then be patient. It will come in time.

Since you’ve been gone Download
24/09/2025
When relationships runs their course …
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"... it’s not easy to let go 
when relationships 
run their course 
memories 
sometimes surface 
rising waves 
lapping your shore ..."
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I’m an introvert through and through and, in my world, small is beautiful. I don’t have a huge number of friends and never have. I like to keep things simple. I remember people telling me at various stages of my life … school, university, and workplace … “you will make friends here that will stay friends for life”. I came away from each significant milestone with maybe one good friend from that same period. That was enough for me.

That said, I’m fiercely loyal and take my friendships very seriously. I invest a lot of myself in my friends and my girlfriends, in particular, are precious to me.

It’s true though, isn’t it, that some people are in your life, perhaps intensely, for a short period and others for the long haul. It isn’t always easy to see that at the time. At least, I don’t think so.

I’ve met many older women over the years who have taken me under their wing and advised me never to rely on anyone, but to stand on my own two feet. Wise words indeed. But in my mind, they were talking about intimate partners. Surely friendships were different? They are different, but can be equally difficult, if not more so.

I’ve found it harder in many ways to let go of friends than partners. Despite the fact that women have long celebrated their girlfriends, I think we still lack the vocabulary to talk about love and loss in friendship.

There’s always been a part of me yearning for connection with others, despite my leanings towards introspection. I thrived as a manager and leader at work because I loved supporting and mentoring others, but only as long as I could return home every night to recharge my batteries in the quiet of my study.

I’m a contradiction of sorts, I suppose. I want to feel like I belong with others, and yet at the same time, I want to opt out when it suits me. Is that so unusual I wonder? I was deeply hurt on two occasions when close friends chose to walk away from me. One came back to me, for which I was eternally grateful and another tried, but I closed the door on her because it felt like the right thing to do. I’ve felt guilty about that, but I’ve trusted my instinct and stuck with it. I still think it’s the right choice. Equally, I’ve been the one ending friendships, because it felt to me they had run their course.

As I’ve grown older I think back on the advice those amazing women gave me when I was, in truth, incredibly naive and thus vulnerable. In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself. Most of us are blessed to be able to share our lives with people we love, including friends; I know I am, and hope never to take them for granted.

Equally, I hope I stay true to myself, knowing when to steer my own course. See, I told you I was full of contradictions!

Skeins of geese Download
17/09/2025