Tag: 2019

  • When relationships runs their course …

    "... it’s not easy to let go 
    when relationships 
    run their course 
    memories 
    sometimes surface 
    rising waves 
    lapping your shore ..."

    I’m an introvert through and through and, in my world, small is beautiful.  I don’t have a huge number of friends and never have.  I like to keep things simple.  I remember people telling me at various stages of my life … school, university, and workplace … “you will make friends here that will stay friends for life”.  I came away from each significant milestone with maybe one good friend from that same period.  That was enough for me. 

    That said, I’m fiercely loyal and take my friendships very seriously.  I invest a lot of myself in my friends and my girlfriends, in particular, are precious to me.  

    It’s true though, isn’t it, that some people are in your life, perhaps intensely, for a short period and others for the long haul.  It isn’t always easy to see that at the time. At least, I don’t think so. 

    I’ve met many older women over the years who have taken me under their wing and advised me never to rely on anyone, but to stand on my own two feet.  Wise words indeed.  But in my mind, they were talking about intimate partners.  Surely friendships were different? They are different, but can be equally difficult, if not more so.

    I’ve found it harder in many ways to let go of friends than partners.  Despite the fact that women have long celebrated their girlfriends, I think we still lack the vocabulary to talk about love and loss in friendship.  

    There’s always been a part of me yearning for connection with others, despite my leanings towards introspection.  I thrived as a manager and leader at work because I loved supporting and mentoring others, but only as long as I could return home every night to recharge my batteries in the quiet of my study. 

    Lone figure looking out to a sunset sky

    I’m a contradiction of sorts, I suppose.  I want to feel like I belong with others, and yet at the same time, I want to opt out when it suits me.  Is that so unusual I wonder?  I was deeply hurt on two occasions when close friends chose to walk away from me.  One came back to me, for which I was eternally grateful and another tried, but I closed the door on her because it felt like the right thing to do.  I’ve felt guilty about that, but I’ve trusted my instinct and stuck with it.  I still think it’s the right choice.  Equally, I’ve been the one ending friendships, because it felt to me they had run their course.   

    As I’ve grown older I think back on the advice those amazing women gave me when I was, in truth, incredibly naive and thus vulnerable.  In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.  Most of us are blessed to be able to share our lives with people we love, including friends; I know I am, and hope never to take them for granted.  

    Equally, I hope I stay true to myself, knowing when to steer my own course.  See, I told you I was full of contradictions!   

    Skeins of geeseDownload

  • Why distance gives you perspective …

    "... it shouldn’t take 
    new places 
    to bring me 
    back to myself 
    I shouldn’t always              
    be lost 
    in order 
    to be found ..."

    By the time you read this, I will be in another country, embarking on a long trip that will take me across the North Sea and the Atlantic in a camper van crammed with provisions from home.  I will be excited and full of anticipation for the adventure that awaits. But as I sit here in my study, listening to the dawn chorus, my head is still full of lists of last-minute jobs, whilst internally I try to calm the butterflies in my stomach.  

    There’s something about the lead up to a holiday that always feels a bit fraught. Packing the camper van invariably takes twice as long as expected and, without fail, something happens that seems to put the whole thing in jeopardy.  A family member might fall ill, we discover a mechanical fault or, suddenly, we can’t find the passports.  

    When it comes to travel, I think folk are in one of two camps: there are those (like me) who start to pack well in advance and those (like you perhaps?) who leave it to the last minute. There’s no right or wrong is there? 

    I already know that by the time I embark that boat, I’ll be calm, all the panic behind me.  I do love to travel!  I was 19 when I first travelled abroad and will never forget the smell of Mediterranean air and the rush of heat as I emerged from the plane.  I met people on that trip that have remained friends.  I saw and experienced things that shaped me as a young woman, helping me navigate life at university and beyond. 

    Of course, life gets in the way and before you know it, your world becomes a whole lot bigger and more complicated.  In a life that is increasingly busy and stressful, holidays become a haven.  That has certainly been my experience.  Over the years, as I gained more responsibility both personally and professionally, my summer break was extended from two weeks to three. Simply put, it took most of the first week to unwind and relax.  Does that sound crazy or, dare I say it, familiar?  

    When life gets too hectic and you need to slow it down, it helps to travel.  Of course, in theory, there’s no reason why you can’t take time out at home.  No reason at all right?  Except there’s that thing you’ve been meaning to do that, when you stop, you can’t ignore.  Is it the garden that needs sorting, or a room you’ve been meaning to decorate?  It’s so tempting to fill so-called time off with long-neglected jobs. 

    But travel is so much more than just a distraction: it’s an opportunity to see life from a different perspective; broaden your horizons; meet new people; spend time enjoying the company of loved ones. And if you’ve been a bit lost, you might just find yourself again; I know I have.

    I wrote this poem, not at the beginning of a holiday, but as it was ending.  I had spent three amazing weeks in Norway and the poem came to me as I was packing my bag to return home.  I’d arrived exhausted, and was returning refreshed.  This was my typical pattern, to work like a demon and use a holiday to recover.  It’s a strategy many adopt.  Just this week, a friend told me that she’s “clinging on at work”, desperate for the break she has booked at the end of the month.  

    This will be my first overseas trip since retirement in the spring; it doesn’t have to be the remedy that so many other trips have been.  I’m excited to explore how it will help shape the next chapter of my life. 

    I hope you’ve had the opportunity to take a holiday this summer; if not, my wish for you is that you can create some genuine time off for yourself in the midst of what I bet is a busy life. 

    RemedyDownload