"... they say life is a journey
of peaks and troughs
and countless crossroads
the certain choices
we all must make
when least informed ..."
This week I’m celebrating my wedding anniversary, which feels like an appropriate time to share this poem, written in 2013. I’m glad to say, that I’m still happy to have found someone whose stitch matched my own (read the poem to understand this reference!).
Life is made up of endless choices, some perhaps more significant than others. Truth is, we don’t always know how impactive a choice might be until much later. Who knew really, what subjects to choose at school, when the time came? Who knew what they wanted to do in life when first applying for jobs? I certainly didn’t! The good news is, that you can change direction and choose a different path. These days, it’s the norm. People don’t tend to join an organisation and stay all their working life anymore.
But when it comes to relationships, most of us do make what we hope will be a life-long choice. Two women I knew in London once caused much upset in their respective families when they got together as a couple in the late 80’s. The upset wasn’t due to the fact they were a same-sex couple, which you might have assumed (homophobia was much more prevalent then), but it was the fact that they committed to only stay together as long as they were happy to do so. Their families felt affronted that they didn’t make a life-long commitment to each other. They reasoned that they didn’t want to feel bound by a promise they may not be able to keep.
I could absolutely see their point. At that time in my life, I honestly didn’t think I’d ever want to get married. I came from divorced parents, and had seen plenty of other couples split up. I myself had been in a long term relationship of 5 years, and just assumed, I think, I would marry eventually. But it was me who ended it. And for a long time after that, I didn’t feel I could trust my own feelings. I’d lost confidence in my judgement.
Indeed, when I first met the man I did marry, neither of us took it terribly seriously. It was just a bit of fun; never intended to last. But we fell in love and within 6 months were cohabiting. I still didn’t think of marriage, telling myself it was just a bit of paper. I remembered my two friends, who stayed together because they wanted to be together. That was good enough for me. And yet, the longer I stayed with my partner, the more I understood that healthy relationships demand effort. Sometimes the choice to stay together can feel tough. There’s no room for complacency if you want to stay happy and fulfilled. It’s hard work!
My views on marriage evolved. Marriage is a private but also a public contract. A relationship between two people is like a pebble thrown into a lake. It sends out ripples that touch every other person connected to the couple. Everyone is invested to varying degrees. I chose to say yes to marriage in the end because it felt right to make a public as well as a private promise. I wanted those I loved to witness my commitment to the man I loved most dearly.
I wonder about the women who knitted ganseys for their men. How much love went into every stitch; how much hope that they would never have to identify a drowned man by the stitches they had made. Love is such a joy to both give and receive. I genuinely will be celebrating the anniversary of the day I said, “I do”, and I hope I will be able to say the same for years to come.
