How anxiety can be both a blessing and a curse …

"... be kind to yourself and others 
listen to your voice
and know that
others' expectations of you
will never surpass your own 
no one else can fill 
the space you fill
anxiety has been 
and remains part of you
but so too joy ..."

This is not an easy poem to share or reflect on, but came at a time when I was feeling particularly anxious.  These times fluctuate and, like most people, I can go for days, weeks, months, when everything appears to be going well, and I feel confident and capable.  Most people I worked with would be surprised to hear me say that I often felt anxious about work: mostly about my workload and my ability to juggle it.  But I also had doubts about my ability to meet expectations, to be good enough, and to make a positive difference.  

People talk about imposter syndrome, which in the old days, was akin to having an inferiority complex.  It doesn’t matter what you call it, I think a lot of people feel it at some time or another, and it often follows them, like a shadow, most of their lives.  I know I’ve suffered from it most of my life, but that’s only one source of anxiety and there are many others.  

I don’t come across as an anxious person.  Most people would say that I present as confident, authoritative even.  I’m one of those people that looks, on the surface, to be calm like a swan, but below the surface, I’m pedalling like crazy (which swans also do, I believe!).  I’ll overthink things and take it all terribly seriously.  I need to lighten up and I do try, honestly I do. I know full well that almost all the stuff I worry about never happens, and if the worse does happen, it invariably works out; all that worry was wasted effort. 

People joke about therapy and how the counsellor will inevitably take you back to your childhood.  It all stems from there right?  I didn’t have a miserable childhood by any stretch of the imagination but it wasn’t idyllic either.  Was anyone’s?  My parents divorced in the 1970’s, which was unusual then.  I spent years insisting that it didn’t affect me but, of course, it did.  

So much of our personality is set in those early years, and they can significantly shape how life turns out.  But it isn’t the whole story.  I’m a massive believer in the fact that each of us can shape and shift our lives to fit better with who and what we want to be.  I genuinely believe that.  It takes work, but it’s a worthwhile investment because who wants to spend their lives blaming their childhood for everything that goes wrong?  Not me, that’s for sure. 

I haven’t eliminated anxiety from my life, far from it.  I tell people that if I didn’t have something to worry about, then I’d invent something.  I’m part joking, but there is an element of hard truth in every joke isn’t there?  I have a tendency to worry about things I can’t control and/or predict, especially at night.  Being conscious of it is half the battle; acknowledging that, yes, childhood hang ups do loiter, but I have effective strategies to combat them.  

All our lives are a balancing act, don’t you think?  Feeling anxious can sometimes be debilitating, but in other ways it makes me appreciate the joy I experience in my life.  Learning to recognise and overcome anxieties can also be incredibly rewarding and I can look back on many a triumph with quiet pride.  Balance is all important and, if you experience anxiety, then I sincerely hope you also know joy in your life.