When relationships runs their course …

"... it’s not easy to let go 
when relationships 
run their course 
memories 
sometimes surface 
rising waves 
lapping your shore ..."

I’m an introvert through and through and, in my world, small is beautiful.  I don’t have a huge number of friends and never have.  I like to keep things simple.  I remember people telling me at various stages of my life … school, university, and workplace … “you will make friends here that will stay friends for life”.  I came away from each significant milestone with maybe one good friend from that same period.  That was enough for me. 

That said, I’m fiercely loyal and take my friendships very seriously.  I invest a lot of myself in my friends and my girlfriends, in particular, are precious to me.  

It’s true though, isn’t it, that some people are in your life, perhaps intensely, for a short period and others for the long haul.  It isn’t always easy to see that at the time. At least, I don’t think so. 

I’ve met many older women over the years who have taken me under their wing and advised me never to rely on anyone, but to stand on my own two feet.  Wise words indeed.  But in my mind, they were talking about intimate partners.  Surely friendships were different? They are different, but can be equally difficult, if not more so.

I’ve found it harder in many ways to let go of friends than partners.  Despite the fact that women have long celebrated their girlfriends, I think we still lack the vocabulary to talk about love and loss in friendship.  

There’s always been a part of me yearning for connection with others, despite my leanings towards introspection.  I thrived as a manager and leader at work because I loved supporting and mentoring others, but only as long as I could return home every night to recharge my batteries in the quiet of my study. 

I’m a contradiction of sorts, I suppose.  I want to feel like I belong with others, and yet at the same time, I want to opt out when it suits me.  Is that so unusual I wonder?  I was deeply hurt on two occasions when close friends chose to walk away from me.  One came back to me, for which I was eternally grateful and another tried, but I closed the door on her because it felt like the right thing to do.  I’ve felt guilty about that, but I’ve trusted my instinct and stuck with it.  I still think it’s the right choice.  Equally, I’ve been the one ending friendships, because it felt to me they had run their course.   

As I’ve grown older I think back on the advice those amazing women gave me when I was, in truth, incredibly naive and thus vulnerable.  In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.  Most of us are blessed to be able to share our lives with people we love, including friends; I know I am, and hope never to take them for granted.  

Equally, I hope I stay true to myself, knowing when to steer my own course.  See, I told you I was full of contradictions!